


Palmer and the Prickly Engagement

by AughtPunk



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: And the show has Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry!, Butler!Cecil, If you don't know what that is go watch 'Wooster and Jeeves' or 'By Jeeves', M/M, Rich Git who keeps getting engaged against his will!Carlos, That's pretty much what the Jeeves books are, They're good I promise, Wooster and Jeeves AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-12 22:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2127516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil Palmer, loyal butler to Night Vale's favorite scientist, must help his employer get out of an unwanted engagement with the third most beautiful woman in Night Vale. A Wooster and Jeeves AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Palmer and the Prickly Engagement

It is a difficult thing, being the butler to a scientist.

 Not that I've always been a scientist's butler. Why, I haven't always been a butler, as impossible as that seems! Most of my life was spent being a child of sorts. At least, I assume so. I know for a fact that I was a teenager for a few odd years here and there. Oh, what a dreadful mess that was! My younger self tried so hard to fight destiny, but there is simply no escaping what is carved on the stone tablets. And there's certainly no escaping the City Council's specially trained hunting dogs for those who try. I still have a rather nasty scar on my ankle from that.

 Thankfully, once I had gotten the proper re-education to get all of that teenage rebellion out of my system I was able to become the butler I was destined to be. For years I served under the previous Lord Marron. He was a quiet man, happy to spend the rest of his declining years in the quiet of his own library. He never married, he never fathered any children. Sometimes after a few glasses of brandy he would speak of adopting me, but such thoughts always vanished in the morning. In the end he quietly passed away after a long battle with throat spiders. With no direct heir his land, money, and tile when to a distant relative of his outside of Night Vale.

 I must admit that I was a bit worried at first. An Outsider as the new master of the house? Most strangers to our sleepy little town end up running after the first night. Or at the bottom of the hole behind the farmer's market. But my fears dissipated into the endless void above as the young Lord Marron arrived. No. Carlos. The first thing he said to me was that he wants me to call him Carlos. And, in return, he wished to refer to me by my first name as well. Oh! The way he said it! Cecil, he said! _Cecil._ He said my name, smiled at me and, well, let's just say I was glad the ancient Gods above branded me with this fate.

 But Cecil, you say as you hang on to my every word, didn't you start this rant about serving a scientist? And yes! Yes I did, dear listener. You see, Carlos is a very modern man. He thinks naught for dark rituals and bloodstone circles. He is a man of science! His days are spent gathering knowledge using methods I cannot begin to describe! And there lies the problem. The second thing he told me, after the instructions about his name, was that a scientist is self reliant and he would not be needing my services. After I explained the slow and very painful death I would experience from being denied my destiny he did at least agree to keep me in his service. But he absolutely refused any assistance! He had taken care of himself his entire life, and he wasn't going to start depending on someone now.

 Though there are some nights where I have to help him into bed after a long day of scientific experiments. And some days where I must remind him that he needs to eat in order to live. And a few odd mornings where I have to help him bathe and dress. But beyond that Carlos is determined to be a self made man. Which leads to the difficulty I mentioned earlier. The other day Carlos, being the new Lord of the manor, had received an invitation to Lady Josie's midsummer garden party. Normally this would be a delightful affair, save for one small problem. He refused to let me come along.

 "Cecil," He said in that wonderful way he always did, "I am perfectly capable of handling a garden party. I don't need my servant-"

 "Butler" I said, correcting him once more.

 "Butler to hold my hand! I've given dissertations to a room filled with people ready to lynch me! I can handle eating cucumber sandwiches with some nosey old women. I'll be fine."

 "Sir, Carlos," I said, correcting myself as well. "While I'm sure you've faced many dangers due to your radical mountain based thinking-"

 "Cecil, I've explained this to you before. People didn't hate me outside of Night Vale because of that-"

 "However! Lady Josie is far more than your average old woman! She considers herself a matchmaker, and will stop at nothing until every unwed man and woman in Night Vale has been married off. Why, it's because of her that Adam from the farmer's market finally got hitched to that Hiram fellow."

 "I've been meaning to ask about that, actually. Aren't both of them, well, men?"

 "Yes! Horrible, isn't it?" I clasped my hand against my chest. "Now we're down two members at the Dog Park! At this rate our little group of bachelors will just be me, Earl, and Steve! Which is why I need to come with you, Carlos. I can distract Josie by talking about her collection of angel lithographs while you can enjoy your sandwiches in peace. I'll just go fetch your best lab coat and-"

 " _Cecil._ "

 There is was. The tone. When he spoke to me in that tone I was completely helpless. My heart soars, my knees grow weak, and I am completely at his mercy. Before I could even let out the slightest of sounds he takes my hand into his own. I am simply undone at the seams.

 "Cecil," He says again, gentler this time. "I'll be fine. I swear. I won't even be there for long. Just enough to say hello and have a cup of tea. I'll be home in time for dinner, I promise."

 Oh, I should have argued more! I should have said something! But by the time I could think clearly again Carlos had already left for the party. There was nothing to do but to keep myself busy with my daily chores. I had finished the dusting and was in the middle of mending a few of Carlos' old socks when I heard the door open. I looked up just as Carlos stepped through. That is to say, what was left of Carlos. His whole being looked washed out. His normally dark and warm skin looked deathly sick. His eyes were distant, as if looking at some horrible scene. He sat down in in his favorite chair and tried to speak. Somehow, deep down, I knew what he was going to say before he even parted his lips.

 "I'm engaged."

 The half-mended sock was tossed from my hand as I moved to Carlos' side. I knelt down next to him, taking his hand in my own. His fingers threaded around mine, as if seeking a rock to hang onto in a storm. Oh Carlos! Foolish Carlos! I wanted to say that I had warned him, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. No doubtfully he was picturing the same future that I was: A gaggle of children destroying all of his scientific work, nappies to be changed, all of the horrors of a wedded life would bring. Not to mention the thought of someone in Carlos' bed made my stomach turn.

 "Well." Carlos finally said after a moment. "Engaged to be engaged. I...I don't know what happened. I was telling Lady Josie about my work in the field, and it just so happened that she has a great-niece studying the plant life of the area..."

 "Jane? Cactus Jane?" I frowned to myself. In an odd way I could almost see that match working. Carlos may be an expert scientist, but his knowledge was lacking when it came to anything that grew out of the ground. Meanwhile, dear Cactus Jane knew every plant in the desert on a first name basis. Not to mention she was the third most beautiful woman in town! Yet Carlos looked as bad as I felt. Hope stirred within me as I squeezed his hand. "But you don't want to marry her, because...?"

 "Because she's, she's..." Carlos let out a pained sigh. "She's not science, Cecil! I'm already married to my work! I simply can't have the bother of a wife on top of all of that! Could you imagine it?"

 "Having someone to nag you to remember to eat?" I said, feeling myself smile despite the ache in my heart. "Or to make sure that you actually go to bed or a reasonable hour? And to check to see if you put your clothes on inside out?"

 "I don't need that. After all..." He lifted up our entwined hands and placed them against my cheek. "I already have you."

 The pain within me faded. There was no time for it. Carlos, dear Carlos, needed to be saved from the fate of married life. In the back of my mind the faintest hint of a plan was beginning to form. There was only a slim chance that it would work, but I was willing to risk it all for Carlos.

 "When are you meeting with Jane?"

 "Tomorrow for brunch. Why?"

 "Because, sweet Carlos, your loyal butler has an idea!"

 ***

 The next morning brought the sound of songbirds outside of the kitchen window. Well, technically it was still morning. I was cooking eggs and Carlos was probably still asleep, so it was morning enough for me. A single letter laid on the kitchen cabinet as proof of my plan's victory. There was nothing left to do but wait for the master of the house to wake up and join me for breakfast. Or lunch, if he decided to sleep in an extra five minutes. Just as I went to get a cover to keep the eggs warm I heard the wonderful loud stomps of Carlos fumbling his way down the stairs. The footfalls made their way into the kitchen only to pause by the cabinet.

 "Miss Jane sends her deepest apologizes." I said as I heard Carlos pick up the letter.

 "Whattis?" Carlos slurred. He may be the brightest star in the void of Night Vale, but the man was helpless before his morning coffee.

 "A formal letter terminating the engagement. Well, the engaged-to-be-engagement. I found it stabbed into the front door about an hour ago with a ritualistic dagger, so she's being serious."

 "Wait. Waitwaitwait." I could hear Carlos wave the paper behind me. "How? How'd that happen?"

 "It seems after you slept through your appointed brunch date," I said as Carlos cursed under his breath, "She climbed up her favorite cactus in order to mend her broken heart. And while she was out communing with nature she just so happened to meet a strange man who completely swept her off her feet. Not literally of course. If he tried to do that while she was sitting on the cactus that probably would have been unpleasant for everyone involved. Anyway, I hear they've already gotten married down at City Hall."

 "She just happened to meet the man of her dreams while I slept it?" Carlos said stepping closer towards me.

 "Well, I suppose it wasn't mere happenstance. My old traveling companion from Svitz stopped by for a cup of tea earlier this morning. You know how it is when old friends show up out of the blue. You end up reminiscing on good times spent together! Oh, the hills we rolled down! And then climbed back up! And then rolled back down again! But that's neither here nor there. It turns out he was in the area to study the local plant life."

 "Plant life?"

 "Oh yes. He studies flowers, you see. I told him that being a desert we're a bit short on that sort of thing. However, I do know there's a type of cactus over in the sand wastes that should be blooming about this time of year. I suppose he must have run into Jane while he was looking for it."

 "You. You set this up."

 "I wouldn't say that. I just found a way to help two people in the search for love. While freeing yourself from the binds of matrimony."

 "All because I slept in?"

 "That's right." I went to start on the bacon only to stop as Carlos wrapped his strong arms around my waist. His warm body pressed against my back as he laid his head on my shoulder. I felt a brief flutter of a kiss against my neck, and the bacon no longer mattered in the least.

 "Is that why you kept me up all night?" He said, his voice still rough around the edges. "So I'd sleep in?"

 "Among other reasons, sir."

 "Cecil, I told you." Even in his sleep-depraved state he was focused enough to turn me around in his arms. "Call me Carlos."

 "Yes, Car-"

 And then he kissed me quiet soundly, cutting me off mid-word before I could correct myself! Scientists can be odd creatures I suppose. A bit difficult sometimes. But completely worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this *months* ago but completely forgot about it! I hope you enjoyed this odd, unbeta'd silly little fic. 
> 
> For those interested in more "Butler bails employer out of being engaged" stories, check out the Jeeves series by P.G. Wodehouse! Or watch the Wooster and Jeeves british TV show staring Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry! Or hunt down Andrew Lloyd Webber's soundtrack for the musical "By Jeeves"!
> 
> I love this series, okay?


End file.
